The best writing job ever – by which I mean the worst

I don’t know exactly what it is that draws me time and time again to trawling the Internet for writing gigs. Could it be the great clients I’ve met along the way and even the not so great? Maybe. Could it be the rich diversity of business requirements across three continents? Yep, that would be part of it. But it’s also the occasionally breathtaking, stupendously ridiculous ads that are out there if you lift enough rocks.

This ad that not only took the biscuit, it licked off the cream in the middle (the metaphorical biscuit was a custard cream), put the two pieces back together and then replaced it in the packet. It went something like this…

Hello there!

I have received a lot of replies to my job advert and after going through all the resumes and replies I have chosen a couple of writers [if ‘couple’ meant a dozen] that I think would fit the job well. For a job like this, a small amount of training is required. I know you are an experienced writer and all, but I require you to read an e-book that is similar to the content and tone I'm after. This position is a very laid back job and brings you great pay and incentives. You get to write about what you know and love, which itself is something you can’t put a price on.

So in order to be one of the chosen few for this job I need you to:

1. Get this e-book called – [Naturally I Won’t Be Advertising It Here!] which you can find at: [http://one-born-every-minute] I know that it costs around $10 and I'd like to provide it to you for free. But I simply can't due to copyright laws and creative commons laws. I’m sure you understand as a writer and wouldn’t want your work stolen or given away. The writer of that e-book is actually a great guy and a friend of mine [they might even share the same name...] so by paying for it you are helping out a fellow writer. And you’ll be able to afford two copies of his book in only one paid hour working for me. After the trial, I mean.

2. When you get the book, I need you to read it quickly - it’s pretty short so don’t worry, but it's still worth $10 of anybody’s money. Then write at least a 300 word article that summarizes what the e-book is all about, for the readers of my site [http://client's-nearly-empty-website]. And I need to know exactly how long it took you to write the article.

This will be your training and a test for this job – that way we save time. Training isn’t paid for - that way I save money. Good luck everyone and remember to submit the article to me by the 5th of February to be in with a great chance of employment. I’m expecting a lot of entries so write quickly and let’s do business! lol.

And the client very kindly put everyone’s email address in CC so we could write to one another about what a great opportunity this could be. Not.

Here is my reply:

This is the most entertaining job offer I've had in a long while.

If I may:

1. Creative Commons specifically allows for the distribution of copyrightedworks: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creative_Commons_License

2. Plumbers don't so try-outs, carpenters don't do try-outs and shop assistants don't do try-outs. Neither does this writer. Money should flow to the writer and not from them. The idea that a writer ought to pay for the privilege of trying out (i.e. writing a piece for free) is ludicrous.

So thanks for the opportunity, but I'll pass this time.

I'm guessing the would-be client was too busy with their other writers to respond.

I fired my first client

I like to think that I've experienced most of the surprises that freelancing has to offer, but don't count your chickens - or your clients - before they're hatched. I recently ticked off a brand new one for the journal by firing a client.

The client wasn't a difficult person; they weren't hard to get hold of or vague in their requirements. There was just one thing we couldn't agree on and that was money. Or rather, we had agreed on it and then subsequently it turned out we hadn't. And then after all that was resolved, we ended up in some spooky Twilight Zone re-run of the first issue.

It played out a little like this... (and you'll have to imagine the Twilight Zone music tinkling in)...

The client and I swap a few emails and agree terms for the freelance writing and editing. As part of that agreement we have a two-hour 'trial' which the client agrees upfront to pay for. I try to avoid spec work as there is a tendency for spec to end up being an abbreviation for suddenly proves economic catastrophe.

Anyhow, I do the work and the client is happy and we speak on the phone - not skype, but the real phone and long-distance too. And the bluebirds of happiness are dancing over the keyboard because they know that the freelancing faeries have cast their magic spell.

Shortly afterwards, the Paypal faery shows 4 hours payment, but the email says that's for four hours in advance. I do a double-take and check back and sure enough, I did the writing I thought I had. I also know this because those bluebirds are still on my keyboard. So I email my client and ask what the dickens is going on.

The client says they 'sort of thought my original two-hours of work was a way of me selling and showcasing my skills to get the gig'. Being both organised and twitchy, I keep all emails and quickly dig out the 'I'll pay you for the trial' email and ping it off with a sense of concern.

But it's fine. The client emails back and says 'no problemo' or something similar. I finish the second two hours of writing and editorial work and clear the decks for the next four hours, reasonably reassured. So which of these scenarios do you think occurs next?

1. The client asks me to work for four hours and then send an invoice for payment.

2. The client asks to pay in advance for another four hours of work.

3. The client pays for four hours of work in advance, but says I owe them six hours because there's still two hours to be done from the first payment?

If you answered number three, award yourself a cookie, a piece of chocolate or some other sugar-filled delight. Yes, that's right, 'no problemo' has gone on a diet and become just 'problemo'.

What I did was go back through all the emails to give the client a chronology of our exchanges, including work and payment. I also pointed out we were having our second disagreement about the same two hours in a matter of days, and that consequently I was returning their advance payment  - minus the two hours I had actually worked - and ending our work agreement with immediate effect.

And that, dear reader, is how I came to fire my first (and potentially lucrative) client. And the lesson here? Even when the money is good, know your own boundaries.