Pull the Other One - Adventures with Cracker Jokes

A ghost of Christmas past.

This is the second year I've entered the Gold Channel cracker joke competition. The fact that I'm mentioning it at all should alert you to the prospect of a happy or unhappy ending. In this case, both!

The brief was for something topical and festive, perhaps with a twist on a traditional Christmas cracker groaner. I posted 15 on Twitter and my favourite is neither topical nor festive. Maybe that's why it failed to impress the audience.

Who is Rudolf's favourite singer? Elkie Brooks!

Anyway, one of my little crackers made the cut for the top 20. Sadly for me, only the top ten get a writer's mention and mine came in at number 11. 

My winning entry.

Here are the others:

What do you give the man who has everything for Christmas? Amnesia.

Which Triumph model did Gabriel and Michael prefer?

Hark the Herald, angels sing

Which monarch drinks too much at Christmas? Good King Senseless.

How do Royal Mail staff run a strike ballot? First past the post.

What do you get if you use power tools to make the house more festive? Double-decorations.

Where does Father Christmas go to the toilet? In an igloo.

What is the Christmas gift that money can't buy? Money, unless it's foreign currency.

How do Santa's elves decide what to wear? They suit themselves.

Where do armies fear to tread at Christmas? Snowman's Land.

What is Rudolf's favourite dessert? Chocolate moose.

Where does Father Christmas go for his holidays? Easter Island.

Why did the elves give Santa cranberry sauce and mustard? They wanted to pass on the condiments of the season.

What do Santa's midnight feasts and London drivers have in common? They both pay a heavy congestion charge.

What does Father Christmas eat on Boxing Day? Quiche la reindeer.

Merry Christmas, one and all – that’s my festive motto!

Today's Subject is Subjectivity

Sir Isaac Newton stated that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. For authors that gets translated into 'for everyone who likes your work, someone else will hate it'. There doesn't have to be any rhyme or reason about it; it's just a thing. 

This state of affairs was brought back to me recently when I decided to seek out a publisher for superhero club, my mid-grade children's book about bullying, friendship, self-acceptance and transformation. Originally, it was published by Musa Publishing and when they folded I self-dubbed it to try and get a wider audience. It was also considered for use in a therapeutic / workshop setting for young people who may have experienced one or more of the issues touched upon in the book.

The first publisher I contacted was quite enthusiastic and promised me a response within eight weeks. However, their actual response consisted of 'thanks, but we rarely take on new books right now'. And yes, of course I sent them a query first before submitting the manuscript.

The next publisher felt the book was... 'a little unfocused and didn't necessarily know which age group it was being aimed at. We need to make sure that we're directing the content specifically at a certain age group. Otherwise, the book simply doesn't work.'

Having had it previously published (and edited and focused by Musa), I found this a tad surprising. Not that the other publisher is wrong, from their perspective, just that it differs from Musa's and the readers who were kind enough to leave reviews. 

Interestingly, despite having four of my Spy Chaser novels published since 2005 by Joffe Books, the first part of the above feedback that caught my eye was the book simply doesn't work. All of which goes to show that:

1. Opinions vary (informed and otherwise). It's important to really believe in your work, even if other people do not, and use any feedback to improve your manuscript or perhaps your pitch. 

2. Having your work published will not change you. Sure, there might be some money in the bank, and yes, you can see your work for sale. But any nagging insecurities will stick around like unwelcome guests unless change your perspective. See item 1 above for details!

3. Sometimes it's time for new stories, not just on the page but also the ones we tell ourselves. Our fixed ideas about what a writer is and is not are, in fact, mere acts of imagination. And if you're going to start imagining, why not imagine some positive things!

4. All writers have to start somewhere and are capable of developing their craft.

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