You Must be Joking

 

Not so long ago, on LinkedIn, a bunch of us were lamenting the lack of opportunities for gag writers. It got me thinking about the things I’d tried in the past to sell some comedy material, successfully and otherwise, so here is a list of places to try if you want to flex your funny bone.* In no order, other than my ability to recall them...  The Grumpy Octopus – I wrote some social media content for them - a mixture of wordplay, surreal and situation-based captions. A most enjoyable gig! https://thegrumpyoctopus.com/en-gb The Treason Show – Topical gags, sketches and parody songs. There is a huge pool of writers and it’s run on the Darwinian principle of survival of the funniest. You got to see your material performed live and they paid for whatever they used. https://www.treasonshow.co.uk/ (https://www.treasonshow.co.uk/the-team.html) The News Revue – Run on the same lines as The Treason Show, and in fact predates it. True story, a co-writer of the time and I got invited to submit material when we were on a train to see The Treason Show. (Because we talked too loudly about our comedy writing.) https://canalcafetheatre.com/our-shows/newsrevue/

Newsjack – A BBC Radio 4 Extra (still Radio 7 in our hearts!) show that had an open-door for topical material. And paid professional rates too. They used a couple of my gags. https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00kvs8

The Comedy Crowd – A great resource for checking out paid and voluntary opportunities. https://thecomedycrowd.com/opportunities/

Comedy Wire – A largely US website with daily challenges involving wordplay, news stories, or open jokes. Adult humour welcomed. They used to have ‘contests’ where the website team voted for the best entry and writers won Amazon e-vouchers. Those were the days! https://comedywire.com 

Greetings Cards – The days of sailing boats, bunches of flowers and cakes with candles are largely gone. These days, funny is on the money. I had seven gags picked up by the much-missed Graphic Humour Ltd, as well as a card gag for Selfish Kitty in the US. Card companies come and go so a useful resource is https://www.gca.cards/directory as well as old-school web searches,

Merchandise – Ephemera Inc is a popular site. As you’d expect, competition is fierce and bear in mind it’s a US concern. They made one of my slogans into a badge that I imagine is still offending people. https://www.ephemera-inc.com/

Film – I’m not talking about writing off to production companies because that’s like casting a pebble into the void. (Although I am still waiting, Baby Cow Productions.) That said, there are nuggets to be found out there, sometimes on freelance sites. Here’s a short comedy film called Wasabi that I scripted for someone. https://vimeo.com/122506746

Ebooks – Back in the day, David French and I started our own magazine (As Above So Below, a new age satire mag). It was as regular as a blocked drain, but we had a small and loyal fan base so we kept going. Emboldened by our own brilliance, as all comedy writers should be, I approached one of those ‘little book’ companies to pitch material from the mag. The result was The Little Book of Cynics, first as a real book and then an ebook. After that, largely for the fun of it (i.e. they never sold well), I put together an occasional collection of gags – some topical, some themed and some just puns. You can find them and my novels here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Derek-Thompson/e/B0034ORY08

Honourable radio mentions for other jokes used

– Damn the Torpedoes: military themed sketch show for the British Forces Broadcasting Service.

– Watson’s Wind-up: a BBC Scotland comedy show. One of my gags appeared on their last ever episode. I’m hoping that’s just coincidence.

– History Makers podcast.

– 4Weekly Show: Anyone remember Channel 4 Radio? I do. They used 17 gags of mine as additional material. Happy days.

Dishonourable mentions

– Contracted writer for US radio show The Afternoon Call and for comedy app iLarious (see what they did there...). Chuffed to receive both contracts and then jump through an ITIN shaped hoop, but not so chuffed to have never earned a dollar from either one of them.

* Not literally because that would hurt. Take it from someone who knows.

I wrote it my way...

For anyone who has ever submitted a manuscript by post and then waited in vain.

(With apologies to Frank Sinatra.)

And now, the post is here;
And so I face the mail uncertain.
That jiffy bag is mine,
I want to hide behind the curtain.

I sent a full typescript,
I edited, not in a shy way.
And still, I have to say,
I wrote it my way.

Rejects, I’ve had a few,
But then again, which writer hasn’t?
I did what I had to do,
And ploughed on through, it wasn’t pleasant

I planned each chapter well;
My characters along the byway.
But still, I have to say,
I wrote it my way.

Yes, there are some, I’m sure it’s true.
They got their book deals, from who they knew.
A relative who’s in the trade,
One dinner guest and they are made.
But that’s not me, and so you see,
I wrote it my way.

I’ve tried, I’ve done rewrites;
I’ve started new and different projects.
My bottom drawer is full,
Attempted all different subjects.

To think I wrote all that;
And may I say - not in a sly way,
No, oh no not me,
I wrote it my way.

For what is a scribe, what have they got?
If not their dreams, genre and plot?
Create the words they love so well.
Or sometimes crap, in case it sells.
I read the note, lump in my throat,
I wrote it my way.

What sort of writer are you?

Newspaper and magazine questionnaires are always popular (as distinct from surveys, which aren't). If there's one thing we like to know about, it's ourselves.

Writers, whether they are aspiring or published, tend to define themselves by their output. It's useful from the writer's perspective because it reinforces the way we see ourselves – a little like a brand – and it cuts to the chase. But at best it's a limitation and at worst a lie.

For example, many writers don't know or accept that they are novelists until they've completed their first novel. For some strange reason, we associate definition with external achievement.

On a recent Arvon Foundation comedy writing course, 16 of us were thrown together and given individual and collaborative exercises. Playwrights, poets, songwriters, novelists and stand-up writers all pitched in, drawing on their experience to create something new. If we’d stayed resolutely within our existing borders, we would all have missed out. As the saying goes: ‘If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.’

Even the title of novelist raises as many questions as it answers. Which genre of novel? What age group and market? And the dreaded: ‘So, do you have an agent / publisher then?’ Any writers reading this will already have inserted an appropriately sneery / competitive / eager / dismissive tone to that particular line of inquiry.

I remember showing my fantasy novel, Covenant, to a good friend of mine, in one of its many incarnations. He later told me that he thought the idea of me writing a novel was a little like a clown trying to write Shakespeare, and that I’d be better sticking to what I'm best at. Leaving aside the fact that he never actually read the novel – he merely discussed it with someone else who had – what was his logic? To quote myself (hey, it’s my blog): ‘If you always play to your strengths, they’re the only ones you’ll ever have.’

My writing CV states that I write articles, comedy and fiction. Although arguably, anyone who’s ever written a CV has written some fiction. In practice that means: articles for a newspaper, some magazines and the web; slogans and captions; topical and situational gags, sketches, monologues and parody songs; a clutch of humorous Little Books; As Above So Below magazine; a fantasy novel; a thriller and a half (that’s not boasting – I’m halfway through the sequel); a couple of children’s books; and around a dozen short stories, of various lengths. I should add that not all of that work is published or performed but quite a bit of it is, and the rest I’m working on.

My point is that fish swim, trees photosynthesise and writers write. When we limit ourselves by definition or genre, we are closing ourselves off from new possibilities. However…it’s important for us to know what kind of writers we are. That is, I think, quite distinct from the types of writing that we do. In my case, I am not a literary writer. I have friends who are poetic and lyrical in their prose; I am not one of them and I’m comfortable with that. I’ve tried it and it reads false on the page.

Unless we know - and can come to terms with - the kind of writers we are, we don’t have a foundation to work from. But once we fully inhabit our own skins, warts and all, we can create our own personal blend of imagination, insight and magic.

Comedy writing is a serious business

The first rule of comedy is that there are no rules. Watch TV - or better yet, live performance - and you'll soon see that one man's meat is another woman's bullshit. A lovely image, I'm sure you'll agree. For every 'just discovered' genius there are a 1,000,001 pond life scrabbling about for the odd morsel. I say that with some fondness, rarely coming up for air as I do. I'm no expert but here's my two penn'orth.

If you're not already on the telly, radio or premium comedy circuit, you might be tempted to put something on the web for free, just to be discovered. Unless your idea is innovative and sharp, I suggest you fight that temptation, like the urge to fart on a full stomach. Trust me, it'll probably end in tears and / or laundry. If your concept is good enough, approach a production company.

There are also non-commisioned niches - I've had a few gags on radio, some material for live performance, a little bit for stand-up and an unrepeatable badge sold in the USA. I've also attempted three sitcom scripts, a humorous advertising campaign for sexual health and approached several sketch shows on radio and TV. More about those some other time, in my list of heroic failures.

Comedy is really sexy. If you can get an 'in' to anything, burrow deep and hang on for dear life (that wasn't the sexual health material, by the way). Any contacts you make should be cultivated and maintained. I once emailed a producer of a Channel 5 sketch show on spec and that's how I eventually got some paid gags on radio. The old adage about 'who you know' holds true.

It also helps to establish a writing voice. My own brand of comedy writing tends to fall into three distinct categories: 1) Wordplay, 2) Coarseness and 3) Cynicism. And sometimes I try to combine them.

A wise soul (Bill Hicks, I think) said that comedy is about finding similarities between things that were different and differences between things that were the same. I think comedy is also a theatre of cruelty. Even when someone isn't the butt of the joke directly, the audience is seduced by the notion that we know what's coming or that we're smart enough to see an association or veiled reference. It's also been suggested that comedy is tragedy + time. Tell that to the man crushed by a grandfather clock.

Derek

And now a quick promo for a couple of ebooks.

Man Up!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Man-Up-ignorance-Derek-Thompson-ebook/dp/B00IJXAERY 

The Little Read Book of Project Management

 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Read-Book-Project-Management-ebook/dp/B00KEAUM4K