In March 2008, I crossed a line. My commissioned feature, Last of the Line - an intimate piece about my relationship with my late brother, David, and reflections on life without him - was published in The Guardian.
I'd pitched the original idea six months earlier, but a combination of moving editors and the email Bermuda Triangle added to the delay. It was an interesting process, start to finish. Part of you feels like you are selling off the family silver at best, or whoring your soul at worst. Another part of you feels as if the world will judge you.
However, I wanted to tell some of David's story and the amazing way he dealt with the cancer that claimed him. The ambitious writer in me also wanted to produce something intensely personal and yet meaningful to ther people. To see whether I could translate my experience so that a nameless reader might understand it and feel it. In short, to see whether I could cut it as a 'proper' writer.
Unsurprisingly, it was a challenging piece to write, to accurately portray David's character and our interactions without overdramatising or diminishing them. I carefully prepared the ground with friends and family who knew him well. People were generally supportive although there was some unexpected fallout much later on.
What made it all worthwhile was a letter I received from a newspaper reader, about the sudden death of his own brother, unlike the nine years I had to get used to being without David. When I read that letter it was a sobering moment, to realise both the power of the written word and its ability to bridge the gap between strangers. This is what real writing is about - not fame or fortune or books on shelves - connecting with people. Although it has to be said that it paid well.
Writing that piece changed how I write fiction. I'm less afraid now to draw directly on personal experiences or incorporare aspects of a person or memory. I don't know if it makes my writing any more powerful but I feel liberated as a writer.
Here's a link to the feature:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/mar/15/familyandrelationships.family1
Objectively, it's an okay piece. A little hammy, here and there, and I still cringe at the ending. In my defence, I wrote to their requirements and I wasn't afforded an edit - the first time the new editor contacted me was very close to publication.
Today would have been David's birthday, and without doubt he would have hating me writing this. It won't shock you to know that I can live with that. Here's to you David.
