Feedback Deciphered

By any other name...

For those who think sequentially, feel free to consider this post a direct descendant of something I put on Strictly Writing, not so long ago, just for fun.

Rejection can be a bitter pill to take, not least because it isn't always clear what to do next. Oh, sure, you can dive into the Handbook or the Yearbook, but have you ever received a note back from an agent or publisher and wondered exactly what they're trying to say?

Grab a comforting drink and find yourself a comfy space - it's time to break the code...

1. Not one for me this time (because hell hasn't frozen over and we want to stay solvent).

2. Your work shows great promise, however. (Many of the words are spelt correctly and appear in the right order. Well done, you.)

3. Unfortunately I'm unable to give you any feedback (because it's difficult to laugh this much and type at the same time).

4. Our schedule is full for the next year (with real books). (And the year after that I'll do whatever it takes...)

5. However, I'd be interested in seeing your next book. (Go away for a year or so and try to forget about me.)

6. We have a special scheme for new authors. (Do you have any money? We could really use a sponsor.)

7. It's an unusual premise. (Your ideas scare me, or confuse me, or revolt me.)

8. Unfortunately we've recently taken on something similar (only with better ideas and better execution).

9. After careful consideration...(we let the intern decide).

10. It still needs some work. (You've cut corners and it shows.)

11. I hope you won't feel too disappointed by this letter. (I have no concept of how important this is to you.)

12. I wish you every success in finding the right agent or publisher. (Next!)

13. The story failed to come alive on the page. (I want magical pages that sing and dance.)

14. There was insufficient narrative tension and the characterisation wasn't fully realised. (I have an MA and you can't disprove my opinions.)

15. It's not our policy to reconsider previously rejected material. (You again? You may be desperate, but we're not.)

16. This is only my opinion and you may find another agent or publisher who sees your book differently. (I didn't like it - end of story. Someone else might dislike it less.)

About the author
Derek Thompson is a humorist and purveyor of words. Some people mistake that for being an embittered cynic, which is a shame. Especially if they are potential clients. However, if his brand of wit doesn't put you off and you need a writer, drop him a line - he wants to buy more shiny things.

Right to (a) Reply

I don't often do requests, but a fellow writer who has browsed this blog recently took me to task. He said I was being less than honest about those agents and publishers which have been a little tardy, neglectful or outspoken with their communications.

I maintained - and still do - that it's not only unprofessional to name names, but it's hardly a proven employment strategy. However, as a halfway house - and to provide a little amusement - here's a little update of my recent writing adventures, presented as.... The Face Slap awards 2010,

THE 'YOU MATTER TO US' AWARD - Novel submission 5th Feb 2009. I contacted them for an update four months later and a month after that I got an email from 'slushmaster' to say they'd accidentally deleted my submission. Seven months after my submission, they rejected it because, 'They liked it but didn't love it'.

THE 'CONSIDERATE AGENT' AWARD - Novel synopsis Jan 2009. Phone message left four months later. I subsequently sent them in three chapters and, over the eight month hiatus, left a phone message and subsequently sent a registered letter. At this point I got an email back to say they'd sent my material back months before. Needless to say, I never received it.

THE 'FRUGAL STATIONERY' AWARD - Novel submission - rejected two months later with a badly photocopied strip, about an eighth of an A4 page, that began 'Dear Writer'.

THE 'RIGHT IN THE KISSER' AWARD - Novel submission - rejected three months later with: "...we regret to inform you that it's not what we would consider publishing. We are looking for refreshing new writers who can deliver new and exciting work. We felt that your novel was an old take in a genre that has been stale for a long time." Ouch!

THE 'ECONOMIC DOWNTURN' AWARD - Novel submission query Nov 2009. Feb 2010 reply to say they're starting a fiction imprint, but the author has to purchase 150 copies- I ask for more details of their projected sales and distribution, etc. Two months later, without a response, I send in three chapters and my original queries. Three months later I leave them a phone message. Three months after that, I send a registered letter requesting the return of my material. A month later, still no response - they're obviously in need of my stamps.

And finally, as recently as today...

THE 'SHOULDER SHRUG' AWARD - Humour submission by email 24/03. Phone call four months later - they found the email and realised it hadn't been opened. Four months later, emailed for an update. One month later, phoned and was told 'We only publish three humour books a year so... like... we've already got our quota..."