Twas a night before Christmas...

...and there in the pub, not a creature stirred...well, only to the bar and back, and the occasional trip to the gents.

I must have been around 18 and thrilled to bits to be in a pub where the barman didn't immediately want to throw me out. It turned out that he quite fancied me, but that's neither here nor there as far as this story is concerned.

He also offered me the only gig that our band, Bad Timing, ever received. Believe me, we were terrible - I still have a rehearsal tape somewhere to prove it. But I digress...

So, we arrived at the pub at 1.30 in the afternoon. There was me, a friend of mine from my schooldays, his stepdad and Jock - his stepdad's work colleague. Jock's the only one with a name in this tale as he features heavily in what transpired.

Jock, from Glasgow, had been drinking heavily. When he wasn't lecturing us whippersnappers about how, right now, this was 'the only man you'll ever be', or eating copious quantities of crisps, Jock was slowly but surely sinking into an alcoholic haze. I, meanwhile, over the seven hours that we spent in that pub, actually sobered up. It wasn't difficult as two southern comforts were (and are) about my limit.

So we left the pub, in Hackney ( I remember it as The Favouite, but the internet can find no trace), and moved on to another pub in Hackney Wick, where it all went a little pear-shaped. You see, the barman of this other pub was Billy the Boil, from Aberdeen. And clearly, somewhere down the line, there'd been bad blood between Glasgow Jock and Aberdeen Billy.

We didn't know about the bad blood at the time, but it soon became pretty obvious when Jock started muttering about how he was going to take Billy the Boils' boil right off his face. Before you could shout 'chill out' (of course, we didn't have the term in the eighties), Jock had smashed a pint glass on the table and leapt at the bar to have a go at Billy. You've never seen so many pissed people move so quickly.

By now it's pandemonium; Billy has somehow repelled Jock and knocked him back - probably with a fist. Down Jock goes like a sack of spuds and people have pinned him to the ground. Meantime, Jock is screaming "Don't let him cut me, don't let him cut me," at the top of his voice, while me and my friend stare at the scene in amazement and horror.

Jock, bleeding from the broken glass that he's holding, is bundled out the pub with us and told not to come back. No one calls the police, naturally - that's not how these things are done. We get in the car - I think the stepdad has stuck to soft drinks - and drive off into the night as Jock regales us with his favourite fights and why Billy the Boil is his sworn enemy. But, as none of us speak drunken Glaswegian, most of the subtleties are lost on us.

I felt as if we'd passed some kind of multiple initiation of manhood. A lock-in in a pub, drinking with older men, the offer of a gig for the band, witnessing a pub fight (after a fashion) and making it out unscathed.

I never saw Jock again although my friend's dad told us other stories about Jock's flick-hatchet (which he unfortunately demonstrated while inside his new car), Jock's new Mercedes and, by way of explanation, Jock's brief and disastrous sideline as a drug dealer.

I give you the ghost of Christmas past!

Guest spot - Martin Bodenham - The Geneva Connection

Today I'm joined (virtually - use your imagination) by another Musa author, Martin Bodenham. He has kindly consented for me to put him under the spotlight and fire questions at him from across the desk. Let us begin...

What is your book, The Geneva Connection, about?

It is a financial crime thriller, set in the UK, US, Mexico and Switzerland. The story is about John Kent, a massively successful private equity player, and what happens when his unbridled ambition collides with the world's most powerful and most brutal drug cartel.

Kent thought he had it all. The phenomenal success of his private equity firm has propelled him into the world’s wealthy super-league. Self-made and from a poor background, he’s living his dream. Then he discovers his financial backers are a front for the world’s largest organized crime group, the Mexican Caruana drug cartel. It is run by Felix Safuentes, also known as “Jivaro” after the South American tribe famous for decapitating its enemies. Kent’s nightmare hasn’t even started...

What was the inspiration for the book?

As a private equity investor, I witnessed a number of financial institutions running into liquidity problems during the credit crisis. That gave me the idea to write a novel about a private equity firm losing the support of its main investor due to the financial crisis and how it is desperate to find a replacement without asking too many questions.

When did you decide to take up writing?

I have wanted to write novels for many years, but the pressure of working full-time in investment fund management meant I did not have the time. Recently, I have wound down a little from running my private equity firm in order to focus on a few other things in life.

What does the writing process look like for you?

I treat as a job. I am lucky in that I have an out-building, which I have converted into an office. The days I devote to writing see me at my desk at seven in the morning. I finish around six in the evening. Whenever I have tried to do something, I have always made every effort to be the best I can be at it.

What is the most challenging part of the writing process for you?

There are always calls on my time and, if I let them, they will eat into my writing space. I mute my telephone and switch off email so I don’t become distracted. If the front doorbell rings, I don’t answer it. Treating it as work makes a big difference.

How did you find Musa Publishing?

A published author contact of mine mentioned Musa as a new publishing house run by industry professionals. They sounded like my kind of people. They were the first US publisher I approached, and they signed me up in days.

Why did you decide to go with an ebook publisher instead of a traditional print publisher?

I have always been an early adopter of new technology and I have used it throughout my investment management career to increase productivity. The days of print publishing for fiction are numbered, in my view. If it didn’t already exist today, would we choose to invent it when digital technology is available? I think not.

Can you tell us a bit about how you prepared a submission package for your novel?

I’m based in the UK so I followed the usual UK format: One page covering letter, two page synopsis and the first three chapters—one, two, three.

Having said that, I found it difficult to reduce my story down to its basic elements. I treated it like all the business plans I have received over the years as a private equity investor. The two page executive summary is massively important. It determines whether or not an investor wants to read the full plan. I figured publishers were like investors, which they are in many ways. They have to decide which few stories they will back. Like investing, knowing the ones to walk away from is as important as choosing the winners.

What piece of advice do you think is most important for aspiring writers to remember?

Think of it as a business if you want to have your work published. Then treat the writing as a job and properly devote your time to it. Treat the editing process as a great way to improve your product, and not as an attack on you. Finally, recognize that publishers are business people, so ask yourself why they should invest their scarce resources behind your work. The rest will follow.

What do you see as the biggest obstacle for emerging writers?

I think the greatest challenge for new writers is trying to stand out in a crowded market and in a digital age in which anyone can broadcast a message at very little cost. Readers and consumers are bombarded with messages, and there are very few quality filters on which they can rely.

Which authors or individual books have inspired you in your writing?

The authors whose work I really enjoy are John Grisham, Michael Connelly and James Patterson. I love their fast pace, multiple settings and attention to detail.

Do you think it's important to have a character's morality defined early on in a book?

I think it is important to establish early on the main character traits of the protagonist, so that a reader can decide whether to support them or not. It doesn't matter to me whether or not the protagonist is likeable. I just want the reader to have a strong emotional bias for or against him and, therefore, have an interest in what happens.

Have you written any short fiction?

No. Once I start a novel, I find I have too much to say!

Do you have a view on the recent criticism of HMRC's alleged cosiness to some larger companies when they're negotiating a UK tax bill?

The tax affairs of large companies can be very complex. Consequently, there can be many grey areas and uncertainties as to the right interpretation of the tax regulations relating to their affairs. That said, I see very little flexibility or understanding offered to businesses and individual taxpayers so I don't understand why HMRC needs to adopt a warm and cuddly approach to large companies. There should be one consistent approach applying to all.

What are you working on next?

Another financial thriller involving a Boston based private equity firm and US government corruption.

Smart writers do it this way

Not so long ago, I was chatting away with fellow writer Terrie Leigh-Relf about our writing (there were probably other topics in there too) and the inevitable relfection on the year that's passed.

We've planned to each go away (i.e. offline) and come back with our writing goals for 2012. I know, the very mention of the 'g' word tends to make people – and writers especially – go into sleep mode. But don't go just yet...

Goals, back in corporate land, were things you could control. And to make life easier*, especially when said goals helped determine your pay or bonus at the end of the year, they needed to be SMART goals.

Sing it with me, people:

Specific define what it is.

Measurable – how you can tell when you've completed it?

Achievable – is it within your control make this happen?

Realistic – do you personally have the control and the resources to do this?

Time-bound – when will it be done by?

Here are some goals that aren't SMART, even if they do appear to be desirable:

- Get my novel placed with an agent next year.

- Get my novel placed with a publisher next year (it's okay, I'm flexible - it doesn't have to be the same novel).

And here are some SMART goals:

- Write 2000 words per day. (Or, like Rachel Aaron, exceed that five-fold.)

- Spend three hours on my synopsis.

- Do a full edit of my manuscript by the end of March 2012.

- Identify three agents and three publishers to submit to.

- Prioritise my submissions.

- Contact the agent / publisher at the top of my list.

- Submit material from my novel.

Now, I will be the first to admit that SMART goals don't sound nearly as sexy or heroic. But they are...achievable. You're not reliant on anyone else to make it happen. You hold all the cards. Which means it's no one else's reponsibility but yours, if nothing happens (2012 end of the world scenarios notwithstanding).

My mantra of the moment is that we write, we edit, we decide who to submit to and then we submit. We need to do them all well because once our submissions leave us, it's out of our hands.

What are your SMART creative goals for 2012?

* May contain traces of irony.

Guest spot - Lee Anderson - An Artful Business

Creativity and business can sometimes seem like opposing forces, but that doesn't have to be the case. I recently chatted with New York Real Estate broker, Lee Anderson, who talked me through his experience of that sweet spot where creative endeavour and thriving business become one.

Q1. So, Lee, you combine a successful business with an active interest in the arts. Tell us a little about your company and how your creativity influences the way that you do business.

A1. I work for a real estate company called New York Living Solutions, located in downtown Manhattan – in the financial district, actually. It's really surprising how much creativity this job takes. And on lots of levels, too. For instance, there is a certain amount of artistic talent necessary to design real estate ads, which I do myself. I've always loved to paint and draw, so that comes in handy. I also write my own ads, which is how I finally found a way for that English degree to pay off. Plus, there's the creative aspect of helping people envisage how some empty apartment could be converted into a dream palace with the right design touch. I don't think I could stay interested in any job if it didn't involve creativity to a large extent.

Q2. Do you see opportunities in the creative world being applicable to businesses like yours? I see many authors now offering free ebooks and advice papers, or using promo videos on Youtube as book trailers. Have you considered anything like that to set your business apart?

I'm actually keeping a video blog sponsored by the New York Department of Cultural Affairs, called "Alphabet Pony," which I've linked with my business websites. Some of the videos that I post on Alphabet Pony can get pretty artsy and "out there," so some people have told me that I'm being too risky. They ask me how posting stuff that's crazy or weird can help my business image. Personally, I just think it's important to stand out and to offer people ideas that challenge and inspire. I've tried the straight promo idea and it's just not me. Too boring. Besides, that's one of the things that I love about the real estate biz: you can be yourself. People appreciate that, no matter how quirky you are. In my experience, they do, anyway. Helps them remember you too. I worked for years and years at jobs in which I had to be someone else – some stuffed dork in a suit – and I hated it.

Q3. What was it that first drew you to Real Estate as a career choice?

I worked for many, many years in the hotel business, which I'm extremely grateful to. I had some unforgettable experiences. Definitely met some people that I never thought in a million years that I would get to meet. But there came a point where I got tired with working late nights, working weekends, working holidays...there's a profound drawback in working for a business that never closes. I had some former coworker friends who had moved on to try real estate, and the reviews were good. I think it's most people's ultimate hope, right? To be your own boss and to have your own business? When I worked as a journalist, there was a part of me that always felt as if I was spotlighting people who were having a huge, beneficial impact on their environment, and on their city. I kept thinking, wouldn't it be more challenging and fun to have the same impact myself, rather than just standing on the sidelines and writing about it? Real estate is a way of beneficially shaping the physical world by using my talents, including the creative ones. Plus, after getting into a big-time verbal tussle with a lawyer and actually showing him that he was wrong, I was hooked.

Q4. Are there any creative techniques or books that you refer back to?

"The Real Estate Agent's Guide to FSBOs" by John Maloof and "The Power of Myth" by Joseph Campbell. I think it's important to balance the spiritual with business as much as possible, even in my choice of reading material. The only creative technique that I consistently use is to stand out as much as possible, using pictures that no one else has with graphics that are eye-catching enough to entice clients into calling me. I also use testimonials from clients that I've closed, who were more than happy with the service that I gave them.

Q5. Although I'm very tempted to ask you how you might see Campbell's "Hero's Journey" translating into good business practice, let's flip things a little. We've already talked about how a creative approach can be applied to business, so which lessons from the business world – and your own working experience – can be applied to creativity?

Just be disciplined and stay focused. It's all right to let your imagination go crazy, but there still has to be some structure applied to it at some point. Some way of measuring what you want to achieve and how you'll know when you've got there. Plus some quality control of course.

Q6. So, in your own creativity, outside of work, do you set deadlines and goals? And if that's the case, how do you define those parameters?

I believe you HAVE to set a deadline and a goal. Otherwise, how do you get started or know when to finish? Everyone needs a direction and a finish line. Mainly, my own parameters are time-based. I have to post on "Alphabet Pony" daily. I have to generate leads daily. I have to post ads in the New York Times twice a week. Objectives like that. Deadlines and goals drive everything for me.

Q7. Since we've talked about business and creativity and the arts, as a final question, what artwork (of any form) do you own or wish you owned?

My entire apartment is decorated with orginal works of art. Nothing by anybody famous – just friends, mostly. There are also a few pieces that I bought from artists off the street in Soho and Union Square. Come to think of it, I can't imagine my home without them. As far as pieces I would love to own, it'd be nice to have "Starry Night." I know that's an outlandish idea, but you can always hope, right?

Lee's bio

A native Floridian, Lee came to New York in 2000. He quickly became an exemplary agent in New York City’s residential real estate market, developing a significant following throughout Manhattan. During his career, he has built strong relationships with several prominent clients and leasing companies. Lee is best known for his ability to comprehensively grasp a client's needs and to negotiate difficult deals. A major advocate for the New York art and literature scene, Lee hosts a monthly reading series in the east village. He also serves as editor-in-chief for Le Chat Noir, a New York artists and writers collective. He maintains a blog for the New York City Department of Cultural Affairs, and when possible, helps with such charities as "Behind the Book," "Children International," and other non-profit organizations. He is an active member of the Real Estate Board of New York.

Links

www.alphabet-pony.com

www.leesfidirentals.blogspot.com

Guest spot - Rosen Trevithick - Straight Out of University

It's my great pleasure to welcome a fellow West Country writer, Rosen Trevithick, to my blog. Here, amid a busy schedule for her recently published book, Straight Out of University, I turned the spotlight on her to learn more about her novel, food combining and fly paper.

Can you tell us about your book and the reasons why you wrote it?

Straight Out of University is a contemporary, comedy-romance that explores the culture shock of leaving university and trying to make it in the real world. That's something I've been through myself and I found it riddled with humour, so I let it inspire a book.

It also tells the story of a bisexual woman who is neither confused nor promiscuous, which I felt was long overdue.*

What would you say to your central character?

I'd tell Sophie Sweet that Maltesers and malt vinegar are not compatible ingredients, and probably lend her some of my recipes.

What are your aspirations as a writer?

Mostly, I want to entertain people. If I can make people think about a situation is a new way, then that's a bonus. Also, I'd like my writing to lead to the acquisition of a house on a cliff, with a flower garden and a windy path down to the beach.

Are you a meticulous plotter or a seat-of-the-pants writer?

It depend what I'm writing. I do enjoy making fiction up as I go, but that can leave me snookered without an ending, so I don't risk that strategy for large projects like a novel. Straight Out of University was planned carefully in advance.

Name three books - of any genre - that really inspired you, and why.

Matilda by Roald Dahl, One Day by David Nicholls and A Hole on the World by Sophie Robbins. Regarding the latter, I think it's incredible that an eighteen year old has already written and self-published a novel, let alone a good one.

Name an author you'd like to be trapped in a lift with, and tell us why.

Whichever author is also skilled as a lift repair technician. There's bound to be an indie author out there who knows how to fix a lift. There might even be an eBook on that very subject - indie books are getting pretty diverse.

What have you learned about yourself through the process of writing your book?

If you leave your housework for six weeks, nobody dies, but you do need to invest in some fly paper.

Where can we buy Straight Out of University?

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Straight-Out-of-University-ebook/dp/B004XR0D12/

*You implied, at the beginning of this interview, that your novel's take on bisexual women was long overdue - can you elaborate?

There are four predominant bisexual women in fiction:

- The soulless baddie who will seduce everything and everybody in order to spin her evil web.

- The selfish, promiscuous slut who can't decide between men and women, so does both.

- The lesbian in denial.

- The straight woman who dabbles in lesbian behaviour in order to improve TV ratings.

Sophie Sweet is none of those. She's caring, committed, self-aware (after the first couple of chapters) and genuine - like a real woman.

You can also see a trailer for Rosen's book here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47VoHXM-4VY

In praise of... Musa Publishing

My short fiction work, The Silent Hills, is contracted to Musa Publishing and the whole process has been a revelation.

Within days, they'd sent me a contract, held a skype call to introduce me to the team, discussed cover ideas with me (and assigned an artist) and - be still my beating heart - gone through my text with a fine tooth comb and made comments and recommendations for changes.

Compare that to another, nameless publisher, who took 1 year, 3 months and 16 days just to email me a generic rejection. (Boo, hiss and so forth.)

Musa is a new and vibrant publisher, with a wide range of genres and authors - many of whom have been published elsewhere in print and electronically.

The Silent Hills comes out as an ebook on October 14th, for $0.99. If you have enjoyed reading these blog posts, why not treat yourself to one of my stories.

In the meantime, here are the Musa team, in their own words:

Editorial Director - Celina Summers

Editorial Director Celina Summers has been involved in e-publishing as an author, editor, review coordinator, senior editor, and managing editor for over a decade. She studied theater and political science at college in Tennessee, including master class studies in playwriting with famed dramaturge Howard Stein. First published in high school and now the award-winning author of sixteen novellas and novels, she left her career in professional theatre to return to her first love, writing and publishing, in 2000. As the driving force behind Aurora Regency, she produced over forty historical novels in the year before coming to launch Musa Publishing.

Financial Director - Kerry Mand
Kerry Mand comes to Musa with eight years of business ownership/management. As the Office Manager/Owner for those companies, she was responsible for Accounts Receivable, Accounts Payable, and payroll for employees. She recently worked for another publisher as the office manager before coming to Musa Publishing. Kerry is thrilled to be part of Musa from the beginning and cannot wait to see where it takes us in the future!

Promotions Director - Elspeth McClanahan

Elspeth comes to Musa Publishing after working as Promotions Director for another publisher. Before entering the publishing world, she spent many years promoting and assisting in the promotion of the theatres she has worked for and the mothers groups she belongs to. Her promotional experience includes, but is not limited to, review coordinator, conference representative, conference speaker, contest judge, special guest speaker, “After the Show” host, and Promotions Director. As an author writing under a pseudonym, she has published two novels and one novella.

Art Director - Kelly Shorten

Kelly Shorten has over fifteen years of Web/Graphic Design experience under her belt. Besides what she does for Musa, she also works on independent contracts working with businesses for their promotional items. She has been designing covers and marketing books for authors for over three years. Kelly was the Art Director for a publishing company for over a year.

Director of Editorial Production - Coreen Montagna
She has a doctorate in Pharmacy, but is an artist at heart. Even while working on her degree from the University at Buffalo, she took as many art classes as she could on the side: ceramics, photography, art history. Cory has been a voracious reader since elementary school and was heartbroken when she discovered that there are people who never read books if it isn’t required for work or school. As Musa's Director of Editorial Production, Cory combines her love of art and words in a wonderfully unexpected way. Her prior experience includes freelance work as a graphic designer and typesetter, as well as working with another publishing house as their lead copy editor and book designer. At Musa, Cory is the Head Copy Editor and is responsible for the interior book layout and formatting as well as eBook production.

Random script dialogue

[Driver and passenger are driving on a bend. Car coming from opposite direction, crosses central line and almost causes an accident.]

Did you see the way that driver cut you up?

I’m sure it wasn’t intentional.

Are you kidding? He was over the centre line. If you weren’t watching the road he would have hit you.

Look, it’s just another soul having a bad day.

Know your trouble? You make too many excuses for people. You just don’t want to see that people are basically selfish and they’ll get away with whatever they can. And don’t give me all that 'benefit of the doubt' crap. Because when a car rams into you at high speed and you wind up in hospital, all your 'soul having a bad day' philosophy won’t mean crap.

Whereas judging someone for a mistake that any of us could have made is in some way beneficial? Do you feel better for it or do you, in fact, just feel more stressed, if that was possible?

I feel like my eyes are open, unlike that bloody driver. And you, my friend, you’re in denial about the very nature of humanity, a humanity that you claim to care so much about.

I do. I love humanity. It's just individual people who create problems.

An interesting paradox. So he wasn’t people?

Well yes of course he was. But I don’t think his intention was malicious. He was just careless.

Clueless, you mean!

Same difference.

So if I burgled your house and accidentally burned your house down because I was careless with a candle on my way out, that would be okay?

You’d burgle my house with a candle – what are you, a Victorian theme burglar?

It’s a metaphor.

You mean an allegory.

Jesus, psycho driver gets to almost run you off the road without comment and I get picked up on for my use of language. Where’s the consistency? Metaphor or allegory, there’s still a candle and your house has still burned down.

Am I inside?

Er, no. You’re visiting friends for the evening - I'm not a monster.

Okay so I’m not injured. Just seriously inconvenienced. But I still have my car, right?

Well, unless psycho driver met you on the way home when you heard the fire engines.

So I could sleep in my car for the night – at a push?

Be realistic. Your house has just burned down. How would you be able to sleep?

Well, my files are all backed up to a server and there’s nothing I can do for my property. What else am I going to do?

You could mourn, show a little emotion, maybe? Christ, your whole life has gone up in flames. And what didn’t has been stolen by a..a Victorian theme burglar.

But you weren’t hurt, were you?

No! What does it matter if I was hurt?

I’m just saying, no sense in both of us suffering. And besides, most of my things are insured; probably overinsured.

You know, this glass half-full approach can be really wearing.

It’s a choice, okay? And I choose to look for the best.

It’s just a subtle form of denial.

What would you prefer?

Some honesty.

Okay, I miss my stuff, life sucks and I hope the guy who burgled me gets rectal cancer - no offence.

None taken. That’s the spirit!

Happy now?

Almost…

Okay, and that driver was a total arsehole who should watch the road more carefully.

Now we’re there. Do you really mean it - any of it?

Not for a second.

Bastard!

Now, now! Don’t distract me; I need to watch the road.

We've Only Gone and Done it, Rodders!

Yesterday's Writer Networking Event was a great success. Let's not beat around the bush: it was brilliant!

Imagine 45 writers in one space, the atmosphere thick with anticipation, creativity and a just a hint of competitiveness. Add to mix Cyprus Well Director, Tracey Guiry, who partnered with me to make it happen, plus author Sarah Duncan, and Dorothy Lumley from the Dorian Literary Agency. Simmer gently serve over the course of a day.

The event has been a long time coming, and without the input of Cyprus Well would never have got off the ground. I can say that categorically because I'd been flapping my arms around for at least a year before Cyprus Well came on board.

And what did we learn, on the day?

Sarah talked about her experience as an author and the realities of earning a living as a writer. She also led a pitching exercise. Dorothy talked about approaching an agent and some of the attendees had the opportunity to make a public pitch for their prized project. She also went through everyone's first page - all 45 of them - and added a few comments to think about.

However, for me, it was the personal touches that made a difference. Sarah and Dorothy made time for people, listening to them and offering advice and experience. Many developing writers have little access to those who have signed a contract and gone on to develop their craft commercially. And as for agents, most writers I know tend to feel that they are akin to unicorns - a lovely, mythical idea of something no one has ever seen.

There seemed to be a real appetite for an ongoing writing community, which we're hoping to provide through Cyprus Well's website. As for me, it proved that with the right people, the right location (and special thanks to Truro Community Library and the team for making us so welcome), the funding in place and some steely determination, great things are possible. Even in this economic climate!

Here's to the next project!

The Big Question

“Mummy, why doesn’t Uncle Malcolm ever stay to dinner?”

“Well darling, Malcolm is something called a vegetarian.”

“Is that a sort of religion?”

(Frowns.) “No dear, not exactly. Uncle Malcolm has certain beliefs about what he eats.”

“Like what?”

“Well… like not eating animals.”

“You mean tigers and lions and giraffes and elephants?

“No dear, no one eats those. I’m talking about cows and sheep and pigs and chickens.”

“I’ve got those in my farm set at home, haven’t I, mummy?”

“Yes darling. So that’s all cleared up then.”

(After a millisecond pause.) “But why doesn’t he want to eat them?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because they have legs.”

“So does Uncle Malcolm eat fishes then?”

“Erm, no dear, he doesn’t.”

“So is it because they have eyes then?”

“Perhaps that’s it; let’s talk about something else.”

“But mummy, didn’t you tell me that potatoes have eyes. Does Uncle Malcolm eat potatoes?”

(Heavy sigh.) “Yes he does. And potatoes do have eyes, but it’s not the same thing.”

“So what’s different about a potato’s eyes? Are they on the back of its head?”

“A potato doesn’t have a head.”

“Then where does it keep its eyes?”

(Heavier sigh.) “Eat up; your dinner will be getting cold.”

“So… about the potatoes. Does Uncle Malcolm eat them because they’re a vegetable and he’s a vegetarian?”

“Yes dear, how clever you are to have worked all that out by yourself. Why don’t we have a little rest from our conversation now?”

(Pause for two bites of food.) “Do potatoes have noses as well?”

“Now you’re just being silly, when have you ever seen a vegetable nose?”

(Narrows eyes.) “When we had a snowman, he had a carrot nose.”

(Casts eyes to the floor.) “Yes, I suppose we did, but that was different.”

“Because the snowman wasn’t a vegetable?”

“I expect so, dear.”

“About Uncle Malcolm, mummy; why doesn’t he eat animals then?”

“I don’t know dear, why don’t you ask him next time we see him?”

“But you said we weren’t to discuss it and you told Uncle Malcolm he wasn’t allowed to say anything to upset me.”

“Did I? Oh well, that must be right then.”

“Do animals eat other animals?”

“Yes, sometimes.”

“And do animals eat vegetables?”

“Yes, sometimes they do.”

“But animals don’t eat crinkly chips, do they mummy?”

“No darling, not crinkly chips.”

“Except our dog Jambo – he likes chips.”

“Yes, except Jambo.”

“And Jambo likes meat from a can as well.”

(Pats child on head to alleviate desire to scream.) “Yes dear.”

“And do vegetables eat other vegetables?”

“Why don’t you tell me what you think?”

“Erm… I don’t know. But potatoes could see the other vegetables, only they don’t have any teeth.”

“So that would be a ‘no’ then?”

“Do fish eat vegetables?”

“I imagine some do, yes.”

“Is that why we eat fish and chips together?”

(Gazes at ceiling for inspiration and divine intervention.) “Probably.”

“But I still don’t see why Uncle Malcolm only eats vegetables.”

“Alright, you win, I’ll try and explain. He doesn’t want to cause suffering, directly or indirectly, to another living thing. Does that help you?”

“Thank you mummy.” (Two bites later.) “But aren’t vegetables alive?”

“Sort of, but it’s not the same.”

“So they are alive?”

“Everything is alive, sweetheart.”

“Even the television?”

“That’s just being silly.”

“But you said everything. And what about rocks and rivers and… and… mushrooms?”

“Rocks – no; rivers – no; mushrooms – yes.”

“So why does Uncle Malcolm eat vegetables if they’re alive?”

“Because Uncle Malcolm has to live too, otherwise he couldn’t visit us on Saturdays and bring you nice presents.”

(A long silence.) “I think I might become a vegetarian when I’m older.”

“That’s lovely dinner; now finish up your burger because your fries are getting cold.”

THE END

Back to the Feature

I've been glancing up at the cardboard folder on the top shelf above the screen for, oh, I don't know how long (well, I do now, but work with me on this). It's the one marked 'clippings' and stems from the time when I was a project manager and gathering ideas for my future outpourings of journalistic gold.

A brief delve into the wad of yellowing newsprint tells me that my interest was piqued by:

- Religious pieces about the real Noah's Ark, the real Mount Sinai, a Muslim husband with a Jewish wife (Oy!) and the Vatican's list of approved angels.

- Green technology, local currencies, ethical shopping, downshifting and investing in woodland.

- The new face of feminism and a female gladiator.

- A woman whose 12hr flight took three and a half days because the airline 'lost track of her'.

- A man who became an artist after a stroke.

- Allergy testing, depression and death.

- Corporate gamesmanship, cyber security and surveillance.

- The EU's (and John Prescott's) regionalisation of England.

- Recommended building societies (hey, it was a few years ago) and planning for a secure retirement (ditto).

- Ebooks and a publishing phenomenon (no, not her this time - someone else).

- The insurance firm that offered everyone a fun-sized Mars bar when it gave them redundancy news individually.

The interesting thing, from my perspective, is that I'd happily write something inspired by any one of those subjects today. Perhaps I see more springboards to fiction now, but even so, the trails are still warm. What surprises me is the earnestness with which I collected them and the recognition that I wrote very little with any direct link.

Green Living, Creative Writing, Human Interest and Politics all remain staple interests of mine. But as I've progressed on my writing journey, I've learned not to write pieces on spec unless I have free time and a burning passion. Far better to organise my ideas and put draft proposals together.

The other thing I discovered in the folder was a collection of headlines that would not seem out of place of BBC Radio 4's News Quiz or BBC1's Have I Got News For You. See image above.

Altogether, it's a little like a 10 year-old time capsule from a millennial me to the 2011 version. I'd like to send a message back: YES, I'M WRITING. THANKS FOR ASKING.

Lost and Found in a photograph

I've spent a little time this week scanning in photographs for blogs-to-come and as memory joggers for Scars & Stripes. Following feedback from Anne, Susie and Monika, I've decided (I think) that S&S works best when it's 1st person and more honest than the first draft appears to be. Warren was definitely right that 3rd person opens the book up, but having recently read Michael Wright's C'est La Folie, I'm thinking about approaching the book from a different angle.

The picture here is almost certainly from West Runton campsite in Norfolk. The car - as most of you will know - is a Morris Traveller and that special hound on the left is Tess. David is the one holding the football. Mum is probably making tea and dad is taking the photo. I'd forgotten this picture existed - there aren't many of Tess.

The photo is a nexus point for so many different streams of thought and recall. The pennants were from the camping club of Great Britain and Northern Ireland - they mainly showed all the places mum and dad camped before we came along. The Morris Traveller was one of a succession of cars, all smelling of vinyl and dog (ours).

I remember car sickness, the way my bare legs would stick to the vinyl in the heat, the handles for the windows and those jumpers that mum knitted for us. I remember the feel of the deckchairs and how they'd topple over at the slightest provocation. I can still hear the sound of the aluminium pots and pans, and the way the table legs used to screw in.

And those trails that lead off into their future and my past. I remember years later, meeting Carl Nunn while climbing the oak tree on the site and the first words I said to him, "Oi, Tarzan, want any nougat (which we pronounced nugget back then)?" He came from Cambridge and had a collie dog and a penknife with a rabbit's foot at the end.

I remember being 11 when Tess died and not knowing how to cope with the grief. And then at 13, we went camping in Somerset and it felt like the end of a chapter of my life.

So many points of reference from one photograph, all of them bathed in emotion and significance. And that's what I'm aiming for now in Scars & Stripes.

Make Believe for Grown Ups

Creative thinking and the use of the imagination are often hailed as two of the secrets to productivity, originality and a whole bunch of other 'alities' (except banality). Most people can remember a time when, as children, we would play as characters from TV, the cinema or books, or even from our own imaginings.

I'm sure I'm not alone (it would be interesting to do a poll) in still remembering some of those characters even now, as an older child in my forties. I may have been a little unusual though in also having subsidiary characters and subplots as well.

One of the highlights of corporate project meetings, for me, was during the Ideas phase when we would brainstorm scenarios (before brainstorming became thought showers and after it had reverted, last I'd heard). Apart from the endless pleasure of calling out the first thing that came into my head - knowing that the scribe was duty bound to record everything, no matter how seemingly nonsensical - there was also the opportunity to try on different viewpoints and approaches. One way of achieving that by playing a part - designer, engineer, user, marketeer, customer, etc.

Of course, however much we may invent a character - whether it's in writing or for a specific function (first date, interview, new identity), there is always an element of us in there somewhere. And that element reveals something about us. In the case of some project meetings, it probably revealed my desire to do something different. Persona non gratis, you might say (unless you had a classical education).

I was thumbing through an old notebook recently and discovered a monologue, written from an invented character's viewpoint. Like the very best of first draft material, it was written at a gallop, with very little filtering going on - just a voice and its ideas rampaging across the page. It never made it to a second draft because I couldn't find a use for it, in anything I was working on at the time. What comes to mind now is a surly patriarch, trying to instil wisdom while his apprentice struggles to grasp what he's really talking about.

The tyranny of time is the tyranny of the mind. Its currency is certainty and inflexibility. Blinded desire is its ally. To be free we must free ourselves, purge our fixed expectations and let go of long held and cherished perspectives. Lose ouselves in the void to emerge cleansed, victorious and liberated.

Peace isn't merely the absence of conflict. It is the conditions in which confict is unable to flourish. Peace, like conflict, is a harvest. The ground must be prepared, tended and nurtured. The seeds must be planted long before the reaping and the crop attended to. And when the harvest has been gathered, what reminds must be ploughed back to resume the cycle.

Creativity requires us to make contact with that inspirational spark and to let its mystical flame engulf us. It is a process of connection and reception, and can be learned.

What we are each here to fulfil is the expression of our own essence. The courage to pur our souls into the cup of experience and drink it back in a banquet of becoming.

Everything you have felt, have known have dreamed - all lies within you. Ready to serve as your guide, your warning and your inspiration.

Lift yourself free from your burdens. Set the baggage of your past and the imagined future to one side. Rest at the roadside and wait. Is it yet too late to change your journey?

E is for ebook

When is a book not a book? Tom Uglow spoke at Port Eliot about the ways in which ebooks and the digital experience could be more interactive than a mere saddle-stitched paperback could ever dream of. Being by nature a bit of a Luddite, I'd yet to fully embrace the virtual book, but I could see that my expectations of what an ebook is (or will be) were very wide of the mark.

I saw it as little more than a PDF of a 'real' book. Another helping of humble pie. please.

There is a wide range of ebook devices and platforms, so many that it's easier for me to provide you with a link than attempt to sound knowledgeable.

Cue Wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_e-book_formats

As you may recall, I put together my own ebook as an experiment and a way of commoditising some comedy sketches. (And yes, I did use the word 'commoditising' to goad you!)

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/75117

Mark Coker has created a fantastic tool, enabling any writer to upload a formatted Word doc and hey presto (actual process takes a few more steps) your ebook is born. He has also put together a list of artists who will produce an affordable book cover to your requirements.

So, why am I such a convert to ebooks all of a sudden?

The image above is a bit of a clue and more will be revealed around October 14th.

Port Eliot - one more thing

Okay, just this one and then I'll shut up about it. As you'll have gathered, we enjoyed Port Eliot a great deal - all the photos are Anne's, by the way. There's such a range of authors and performers that there'll always be something to inspire, entertain or crush you (because the person speaking is just so damned GOOD at what they do). A special mention has to go to The Idler Academy tent, which managed to combine an engaging programme of speakers with an atmosphere all of its own. Think Tom Brown's Schooldays meets a student revue and you're halfway there.

Altogether, we saw James Attlee, Simon Day (twice, in my case), Dr Mark Vernon, Simon Munnery, John Cooper Clarke, Tom Uglow, Jackie Juno, Ed Harcourt, RSVP (where we learned to dance Bhangra style) and Sea of Bees. We saw two films at the open air Cinena Paradiso- North by Northwest (where the mozzies did their own biplane tribute by attacking us) and The Red Shoes, while indoors at the Paradiso Piccolo we watched The Barley Mow. Peter Gordon's cooking demonstration was very good, as was the tour of the house and nipping out of the venue and around the corner to see the church at St German's with its Burne-Jones stained glass windows.

I never expected...

- Wheelbarrows as the preferred mode of transport for small children.

- To see so many pregnant women - it was like something out of Dr Who. Or Alien.

- To see Suggs from Madness, sitting in an audience.

- To find Bob the Builder nappies dumped on the floor of a chemical toilet cubicle.

- To hear people laughing at Homer - the Greek one, not from The Simpsons.

- To see a performance poet I met on a comedy writing course two years ago.

- To meet someone from a yoga class ten years ago.

- To see vandalism.

- To hear that some locals were determined to get in without paying - and had.

- To hear the music through my sternum. At two in the morning.

- So much litter on the last morning - bottles, plastic glasses and Ocado receipts.

Port Eliot - Observations

Notes jotted down from Port Eliot:

1. The literary scene is an exclusive club made up of people who went to Oxford or Cambridge and / or who have an MA in Creative Writing. There are other clubs, however.

2. It's de rigeur to have at least one friend named Harriet, Chloe, Marcel, Rudyard or Parsifal. I once adopted a cat and named him Einstein, but I don't think that counts.

3. By sheer coincidence, the children of authors, agents and editors have a tendency to become authors, agents and editors. This is either the result of osmosis or having parents who can bear the brunt of the unfunded internship.

4. Embittered, unpublished writers often can't see the wood for the trees - which is a pity as there are some beautiful trees at Port Eliot.

5. An unofficial creche system is in operation, whereby wayward parents leave their wayward children to roam about all day (and much of the night), relying on the kindness and patience of strangers. On the plus side, it was probably one of those children who dropped the fiver that I found in a field.

6. Perception is like the weather. Give it a few minutes and everything changes.

A Lovable* Rogue at the Halfway Point

It's that time of the year when many writers see one of their seasonal offerings thrust out into the world. I'm talking of course about today, June 30th, being the halfway point in the calendar year.

It's a good opportunity to pause and reflect and, as every ex project manager knows, it pays to review your progress at regular stages and see where the hell you are in relation to where you'd planned to be.

The latest good news is that a classic sci-fi story of mine called Rogue is included in Beyond the Horizon, published by Alasdair Firth's Bamboccioni Books at the end of July. This brings my 'ISBN by association' tally to three this year (the others being The Wanderer and Coffee Shop Chronicles Vol 1). So far so good. I've also put together my first ebook - a drama resource of comedy sketches for non-profit use. A good friend of mine is, as we speak, combing through the collection of 30 or so sketches and probably weeding out the ones that relate to religion, sex and drugs. I haven't quite figured out where it will be sold, but I have heard good things about Smashwords so that's a possibility.

Longer term business clients have been crossing my path with e-silver, which is always gratifying. Meanwhile, my novels Covenant, Standpoint and Line of Sight continue to circulate through the letterboxes of agents and publishers, which I consider a bit of a no-score draw. As all writers know, submission is very much a waiting game with occasional pauses. But, in the spirit of the midpoint, I have chased up three contacts today to find out about my other submissions (you didn't think that was ALL I was working on, surely!).

There have been one or two casualties along the way. I achieved my goal of a magazine column then promptly lost it upon the altar of economics. It was fun while it lasted although fun and well paid would have made for a more enjoyable experience. Still, one can't have everything. And I've already mentioned the client who thought my working for two hours gratis would be an excellent way to demonstrate my ghostwriting skills. Gone but not forgotten.

My all-seeing spreadsheet tells me I have:

6 books collectively awaiting 11 responses

7 short stories collectively awaiting 11 responses

33 magazine submissions, pitches and queries awaiting a response

Anyway, I can't sit here yapping all day - I have a deadline to meet. Here's to the next six months!

* Spelling approved by my trusty copy of Guardian Style.